Belts, buckles, and sarcasm

Well this is the second attempt as the thunder here in Houston, just knocked out the r-ow-ters (Think Michael Jackson, Ouch! Without the ‘ch’.) Whatever they are. I’ll ask Jon. And caused my connection to Blogger to be reset and lose all I had typed – and I’d just finished. So here goes again:

Speaking of MJ, its still all over the news here. (Farrah Fawcett’s funeral will be held Tuesday, but that’s not real news, its only on the ticker at the bottom of the screen). It proves unequivocally though, and all the scientists agree, that Global Mourning does exist. I was quite happy to drive my car before this, but now I think I’ll have to get a smaller fuel efficient one… with a 4.6liter V8 instead of the 5.3…

Gosh I love this country! Driving here is just brill. I mean, you can see for miles down the roads here. Literally miles. The bridges are incredible. This morning, driving out of N’Awlins, I feared for my life crossing the Mississippi. The bridge was that old, that they were building a new $433,000,000 one right next to it, and driving in the piles right at the side of the old ones which were currently holding up the dual lane roadway… Unfortunately the two lanes of traffic going my direction had ground to a halt, right above the murky waters of the Mississippi. (How many times can I get Mississippi into this blog). The bridge had seen one too many hurricanes for its own liking, let along mine, and was groaning and allowing its once firmly supported roadways to flex and bounce like ribbons… There was no where to go either – couldn’t open either side door due to the proximity of the wall, and the other traffic… just had to grin and bear it.

Speaking of bridges heading out of Louisiana, I travelled along a bridge which must have been 30 miles long. Literally. There were no exits off that one either (but there were safety lanes), but if you had exited, you would have ended up in swamp. This one had the wow factor for its impressive length.

Headed into Texas, where the only thing bigger than the cars, are the burgers, hats, and belt buckles.

It seems like the Americans have the same problems us Europeans have with regards to roads with 3 lanes too. “Awww Hank, cant we just stick to the miiddle, these laynes aw faw too cunfusin’” “whaaaay huney I think we should do that” – I’m pretty sure that’s how the conversation goes over here, because that’s where they end up. Riiiiight in the middle. They do allow overtaking and undertaking here, but only in some States and its very confusing as to when it is acceptable and when it isn’t. Just don’t do it when the five-o are looking, I think is the general rule... D’uh Po-leese have themselves a variety of tactics, including pursuit cars with varying effectiveness – Dodge Charger; pretty effective, Chevy Suburban (same as a Tahoe but longer and weights even more) probably less so, you kind of notice when one of those is bearing down on you… and you don’t have to be going too fast either, or it wouldn’t be doing very much bearing…

One of the benefits of driving over there that I have found, is that I’m not tired. Doing 300+ miles in the U.K. and I’d be ready to eat someone’s head, then promptly fall asleep. Over here, I’m bright as a daisy. That could either be the Tahoe, or the roads, and I’m not sure which. I do love the Tahoe, it is The Best Ve-hicle in the world, and I do honestly think everyone should have one. It is brill! If you haven't driven a Tahoe, you simply haven't lived. (Well its not to much drive as encourage but that's the kind of honesty I like).

Speaking of speeding too, heading into Houston (still about 20 miles to go to downtown) the five-o were ready at a section of Interstate that went from 70mph to 60mph for no good reason. Oh yes were they ready. Swarming all over the traffic like flies around shi-is that the time? Better get on with the story. I slammed the old anchors on and performed and elk manoeuvre to avoid being noticed (not really, if the Tahoe even smelled an elk anywhere nearby, it would just roll onto its side shaking in fear at the mere thought of having to change lanes quickly – perhaps that’s another reason why people stay in the middle. American cars just aren’t built for steering).

Everything is bigger in Texas. If you English people thing America is big, then Texas, I guarantee – is bigger still. The gas – petrol – stations are bigger with more lanes, the roads get bigger with more lanes, the junctions between roads get bigger – even Sat Nav Bird sounded impressed, in her inimitable specifically chosen American accent “ooooh take me down the next exit right ooooh” – (ok, maybe that was just my imagination, but I swear it was what I heard). The roadways are built in such a way as to direct traffic in the most efficient way possible – to get people from place to place quickly (unlike Britain where the roads are built to cause as much congestion as possible, and if that’s not enough, the traffic lights are phased in such a way as to cause the maximum wait times and stress). Giant traffic lanes swoop in from the left and right, and run onto the main freeway as extra lanes, then they will have exits both from the left and right which swoop away to different other roads – its art work! Magnificent! They make Spaghetti Junction in Birmingham look positively straight and boring in comparison.

The main ring road around Houston is called the Beltway. It is very wide (6 lanes each way), and has a very long way to go round, like its namesake leather accessory item which circum-navigates the middle of the levi-wearing locals. Is there any wonder though, when you can buy a triple Whopper Meal (make it a Large) from Burger King right off the menu? Its not even special order!

Not that I’m saying all Americans are fat you understand. That would be slanderous, and plainly wrong. There are very many beautiful people here as well. I mean the kind of beautiful even Hollywood struggles to reproduce. Jessica Simpson beautiful. They make me feel quite uncomfortable in fact. The Jessica Simpsons seem to have partners that think they are better looking than David Hasselhoff thinks he is. And that’s a lot of thinking.

Of course, I am happy again these days – well happy in the sense I have a new partner, and she needn’t be worried by Jessica Simpsons. They do fine with David Hasselhoffs.

One other thing that did happen this evening was, on my way back from dinner, I entered the lift (in some cultures, that phrase would be banned) – elevator – with a couple who had just been in the hotel pool. They looked Mexican but spoke with an American accent. Lets call them Meximericans. So I said to the meximericans “Chilly out there isn’t it” (thought I’d test the water - makes me laugh – just the sort of thing Sam would have slapped me for actually), the lady meximerican started laughing, she clearly understood the sarcasm, but the bloke meximerican looked at me like I was the most stupid human being he’d ever seen (and that was very very very stupid) and said “What? Its like 103 out there today”.

And on that note, I will leave you. Tomorrow I am heading to the Houston Space Center to have an $84 lunch with some Astronauts.

See y’all soon, y’hear?